To bitch or not to bitch
REPUBLISHED: from YAHOO 360
I confess I think ill oftentimes. I think of masochism, stealing, suicide, and all sorts of dark things. But the weird thing is people see me as one sweet girl comparable to a saint. My secret? Repression.
Repression of these dark thoughts needs discipline but results could be very rewarding. People treat me as though I’m a god for being able to spring back to life and smile after being betrayed. But little do they know how loud are the echoes of “Go to hell” being chanted in my mind. And, how much in my heart I wanted to curse and grip the throats of those who hurt me. But nah… all of these only lurk in my head. I couldn’t seem to have the guts to put these thoughts into actions.
Sometimes, I get into thinking that perhaps I’m not that bad after all. It’s because I can’t be firm enough to stand up to what I think is to be done. Guess I really do deserve to be called a saint. Yet deserving or not in the eyes of those who see me, I don’t care. It’s because with what they think of me, they jail me into another kind of repression.Being thought of as a saint, when in fact I’m not, is quite daunting. I need to do good, smile often and do well in school. This little act of “Pretend-to-be-a-saint” was my life for several years. It’s as though I lived to please those around me. But since “I’m only pretending”, the evil part of me exploded.
Now, people see me as a bitch. Cursing though nothing’s to be cursed. Failing even the easiest of subjects. Laughing my heart out though unethical in public. Making out in streets as though I don’t care. But I’m a bitch, who cares?!
Being a bitch could be so liberating but not as half as rewarding as being conceived as a saint. Perhaps I better stick with my little life drama of being the ever-crying-weak-protagonist. But nah… I’m tired of pretending. Guess I’ll just stick with being both. Just as Meredith Brooks’ song goes: “I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed!”
*BLOG.i.ain’t.no.ordinary.bitch*jv
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November 14th, 2006 at 4:49 am
akala ko alam ko ang meaning ng word “bitch” but now im confused it has also a deeper meaning …. if ur tired of ur life just let me do the hole fixing again…. u have the gift of writing. after i read ur blog i cant breath so well.
February 6th, 2007 at 3:31 am
badz u guess what? im a bitch too hahaha and u know what is the difference between us? im hell more than what u think… i’m worst than ever… is there such word as bitchiest person maybe even that word could never define how bitchy i am… i dunno badz… i need help… i feel hope is slowly fading i cant depend on it anymore. just like being trapped in a quicksand, slowly sucking life out of me, i can’t escape, what will i do badz? just wait for my final destruction? maybe… maybe…